I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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