I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
