My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
