I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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