And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's official drugs can't kill me
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
