Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
