your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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