NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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