my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
