He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
time to smoke my breakfast
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
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I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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