would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
