I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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