No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
