I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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