Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
