just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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