I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
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