Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
