He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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