Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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