I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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