I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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