so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
