Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
