I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
