I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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