i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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