piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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