Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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