i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
