Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
