third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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