we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
