he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
