Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
