I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
