i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
