Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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