I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
