4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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