We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
