Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
