i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
