Ambien. No doubt about it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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