Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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