Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
vagina is talking i cant
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
