Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
