Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
