i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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