its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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