who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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