I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
