We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
