I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
