woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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