Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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