she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
