i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
