I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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