and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
