also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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